saturday 05.25.02 | 8:28 pm
to robert

tell me what it is and i'll fix it. i sound so accomodating. people don't change. i can't fix me. i need someone to talk to. i need something to fix me, make this go away. i hate feeling like this. i know i did something wrong but i don't know what it is about me that he dislikes. he doesn't want to see me. he doesn't want to talk to me. i'm a part of the problem, not the solution. i don't want to be his burden. tell me where it hurts, i'll make it better. i wish i could, i wish i could. what did i do? please don't leave.

there is something strange and painful about silence. when there is something to be said, when there is something just waiting to burst and there is only silence... it hurts. it's amazing how much silence there was today and the amount of tears that came along with it. i didn't know it could hurt so much. i didn't know it would leave me so wounded.

and then the answer appeared. so i won't forget the damage i did....
randomthought (8:39:59 PM): i'm sorry i've been so disagreeable today, but i've been in a really bad mood since i woke up, and almost every person i've interacted with has done something to make it worse. i did want to hang out with you earlier today, in hopes that you could make it all better, but since we didn;t have anywhere to go, and you didn't have a car, we did nothing. when i read your diary entry, i was really dispointed and frustrated with you. you interpreted us having nothing to do, as "a fancy way of saying i don't want to see you". that really bothered me, the fact that you second guess me that much. then you said cutting didn't seem as fucked up as it should and that maybe you should stop eating to get attention. that bothered me. a lot. sometimes when i feel like shit, i just assume that you can be my constant anchor. that you will be an unchanging rock of security. i'm sorry i did that to you, it isn't fair.
Auto response from ambiguous pixie (8:39:59 PM): now look what you've done.
randomthought (8:40:08 PM): please, please, don't hate me. i love you more than you could possibly know
randomthought signed off at 8:40:13 PM.

i know you'll read this so this is what i have to say. what i write... it's just how i feel. and i'm not saying how i feel is excusable just because it is the way i am. i'm not always the best me that you want me to be, that you expect. and what i write about... things like that, it's how i feel some of the time. it's a tiny piece of me. that's not who i am. that's not everything i'm about. so please don't be disappointed and frustrated with me.

i'm sorry you had a bad day but i don't know how to be around you when you are in a bad mood. i want so badly to fix you but when the problem is me, you obviously don't know how to be around me, either. that's nobody's fault, we just have to work around that, wait until things die down. please don't hate me for this. my dear, dear robert. do you know how precious you are to me? the moment that you and i part, a part of me will die. the day that we are separated will be the most painful day i've ever known. i'll always love you. i'll always wait for you. i love you more than i know how. i don't ever want to hurt you... i'm sorry.



its not your fault.
i love you ¥.

saturday 05.25.02 | 3:29 pm
death to saturdays

this is the weekly ritual. i hate saturdays. they make me wish i was dead. they make me want to hurt myself. they make me want to hurt someone. i don't think this is normal. saturday is supposed to be a good day. you know, go out, no school, no work, par-tay. but... they make me feel like retching. at this point in my life, i just wish that saturdays were omitted from the week.

they don't do anything for me. i never see people that i want to see... the select few of those people that i do hold some interest in don't want to see me. that's arsenic to my emotions when the only reason we don't go out is because there's nothing to do. "nothing to do?" you ask. yes... that's the shit people come up with these days which is just a fancy way of saying, "i don't want to see you."

for some strange reason, saturdays really mess me up. they make me homicidal/ suicidal/ depressed. i just get angry and want to destroy something. this can't be healthy. i'm jealous of everyone that is doing something. i'm jealous of the people i want to be with doing something else with someone else. i'm sick of sleeping at 9 o' clock tired only because i was watching tv all day.

and when i want to go out and just run some errands just to get out of the house... yes, developing film and going to the market to bake something would have been the fucking highlight of my day. but i can't even do that because my sister is out with my car. she's the one that fucked up her car and now i can't even do something menial. and now i don't even feel like doing that. i am wasting my youth away. and not even in the right sense. not even drinking and smoking and rebelling without a goddamn cause. suddenly, cutting doesn't sound as fucked up as it should. i need release. maybe if i don't eat for a week people will say hi to me.

friday 05.23.02 | 10:57 pm
understanding in a car crash

my sister got in a car accident tonight around eight. i had to go pick her up. these kinds of things just leave me numb now. i don't know how to approach them, what to say. it's just one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. i still remember the way it felt. i couldn't breathe. it felt like minutes went by and i was sucking in air so hard and so fast but i couldn't breathe. glass all over my skin. the worst pain i've ever felt covering all of my right side. i felt broken... i wasn't. it just puts everything into perspective. a person can die in a single moment. you never see it coming. and like that... everything is gone. i'm glad she's okay. and i'm sorry for all the times i said i hated her. ok... bedtime now. i get to drive the mustang tomorrow. i'll be extra careful. i just don't want anyone to ever have to feel that way.

thursday 05.23.02 | 7:42 pm
so push the seats back a little further

wednesday 05.22.02 | 8:18 pm
pouty lip confrontation

jenni called me. she did the confrontational thing. at the end of those conversations, i almost feel like everything is alright again. then i open my eyes. i am writing teera a letter. but better than that, i am typing it. i'm not sure why we're doing this. demetra and i were hurt and sometime a few days ago it sounded like a great idea. it looks very formal except for the content and i'm going to seal it in an envelope. i don't know what to say to her now. i don't know what to say to anyone. our group dynamic is so fucked. demetra seems to be my only friend and robert is friend++.

well, what did i expect? i painted myself into these corners. and half of me says [fuck it, that's the way it is. i don't care.] and the rest of me says [why did i do this to myself]? i am feeling the latter, currently. maybe it'll be fixed, and if it isn't... fuck it, that's the way it is.

i see where i get my impatience from. my mom says something and when she has to repeat herself she assumes that we aren't listening and she gets pouty. she yells and she slams doors. grown up, aren't we? my parents are big children. they still resort to the "no, you are" thing, "you're stupid!", and pillow fights too.

today i asked my mom how she met my dad. she said they were 16 at a party. then she said, in chinese, assuming i was thinking about myself, "don't you get any ideas. that boy and you will never add up to anything." and people wonder about me! i truly am a product of my surroundings. then she added that she hates my dad and sooner than later they will separate. i said, "no, you're kidding. the divorce rate in this country is above half... but that won't happen to us." then she gave me a cool look and said "it'll be higher soon." my mom can be so tricky. she doesn't mean that but she likes scaring people and being dramatic. i must beg off to read beowulf.

wednesday 05.22.02 | 6:06 pm
shoes after the fact

new shoes! i have decided that i am cursed and blessed in height. i used to be so angry with creation for it but it isn't so bad. for one thing, being a tall gal makes me appear to be skinnier than i really am. i have that long limbs thing. but i am often shooed away from buying heels because i just don't want to be any taller. but.. alas, i have big feet and all shoes just look better when they're petite. but here you go, damn the man. i have new shoes and they don't look that bad on me, either.

last night, i drove to the grove and bought three lovely items in half an hour. i have wittled shopping down to a fine craft. i really just dread the feeling of walking away from a shopping day empty-handed. and can you imagine... that happened three days in a row? demetra and i were out for blood.

i hate how you always think of something really witty after the fact. i loudly said "god, i love how you just don't even acknowledge that i'm here anymore." i said this because my friends are being complete assholes lately. and i'm not saying i'm good at this either but i at least try to be decent. i slip up now and then but i don't play too mean. i said this to their backs. so jenni turns around and says in her mousy voice "you ignore me too." and i said "what? speak up." so she repeats herself when i knew damn well what she said. i just wanted her to say it again. that is when i should have said "i wasn't talking to you, i was talking about you. now fuck off and keep on walking." but i guess that would have been rude. she should be used to it by now. she just recently received manners in the mail. who knew saying thank you wasn't common decency? that is enough rant for now. but wait, there's more. i'm sick of one line or one word entries. just write something.

monday 05.20.02 | 9:52 pm
i have potential

"rainy days and mondays always get me down." not true, karen. i feel fresh and new. the flowers are a-blooming. the streets are nice and shiny. my car is dewy fresh.

i opened my report card today. achieving below ability level, eh? that was so ms. lang of her. she did this to me my freshman year too. i guess her trick worked. i worked like mad to get an 'A'... and i did. she did it before, she did it again. i will get an 'A' hell or high water, ms. lang. i shake my fist in your general direction.

for a minute or a few, i was upset that my diary had disappeared. gone? gone where? gone! frantic and frazzled, i pieced it back together... painstakingly, i might add. it took less than five minutes and, presto! same as ever!

demetra and i are on a shopping fit. we shopped for hours today and have nothing to show for it but blistered heels. tomorrow i am going to shop like a fiend. i am out for blood. i will shop shop shop 'til i drop. i know my color scheme. i love it when a plan comes together.

l e s s | m o r e