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love
mawr
saturday 05.18.02 | 7:28 pm
thursday 05.16.02 | 8:00 pm
jesus, i have two journals. once i figure out how to keep this one tidy and hip, i'll forget about od. nobody ever reads or leaves me notes anyway. i always end up writing about the same things. too many people are alternating capital and lowercase and writing about their sugary sweet adolesence... or they are seriously depressed and should seek help. neither really interest me. i have found a few people i like to read... the rest is unnecessary. i had a really good time today. and not in a jerky sort of way. i just feel close. it is pretty amazing how the very thought of someone else can make someone... happy. i've never felt so completely consumed in a single emotion, a person. it's enlightening. no more locks because, i want you to know everything. i won't censor anything, but that comes with its own problems and joys.
Tuesday 05.14.02 | 3:19 pm
Now I'm really fucking angry because I just wrote a long, deep, heartfelt entry that disappeared. I shake my fist at you, Diaryland. Here it goes... again... approximately.
Monday 05.13.02 | 9:34 pm
i have the "shy girl" act down. and for some people it is kinda cute and mysterious but on me, i think it is strange and awkward. i really want to be someone that is loud and open and can say anything to anyone. i need that. i surround myself with people like that to keep me.. alive and somewhat social.
16 saturdays left.
the best day of the week should be saturday. but it isn't. saturdays make me sad. i just wish there was an infinite number of them left. doing nothing would be okay as long as i knew there would always be one coming. and i guess that's the point. i hate to allude to an ap english prompt but the nows and the laters was quite true. "suppose that everyone lived forever." forever has its flaws. some people say that they have forever to get everything done. just think of all the things they can accomplish. and the rest of the people say they have all the time so there will be always be time to do it later. but what is there to do? what is there to learn? sometimes i put myself into some extraordinary situations and wonder just what i would do if i were stuck with something so awful. and i can't answer... i never know what to do until i'm faced with it. and even then i don't know... i just try harder to think straight. the things that he says to me make me cry twice. once for joy, once for maybe never hearing it again. once for pain, once for feeling. i'll try to be happy.
red plaid fluff
"that's disgusting"
If you don't say it to me in plain English there is always the opportunity to pretend that it doesn't exist. That isn't how you feel, of course not. And no matter what the clues, I can't read people... I don't even bother. Everyone is so fucking complex these days, what's the point. So until it is said, it's never really there. I mean, unless it is painfully obvious and I get paranoid. But even then, I try to pretend that everything is perfect. This is a dangerous habit that often ends in yelling arguments or mysterious endings to relationships that seemed quite normal.
I don't know what I want anymore but I don't want to feel like this. The worthless feelings are flooding back. I'd like to think that I'd be able to walk away from something unpleasant instead of becoming someone's fucking doormat for half a year. But I can't. I can't throw away everything that is so perfect over some silence and tears. I don't even feel like we're dating anymore sometimes. It's more like we're good friends that have awkward moments of intimacy often. I don't want to ask. I want him to know what I want and give it to me before I know that I want it. I guess that's impossible.
We should talk. But he doesn't like to talk and I always end up saying the wrong things or withdrawing and just telling the other person that I can't do this anymore and ending it in a quick temper. Sorry that I am me but I didn't realize that was something I had to apologize for. I don't think you should have to mouth things under your breath and slam doors and omit "i love you"s either... but that's your choice and you can always tell everyone it was well-deserved.
secret lovely wonderful
but sometimes i talk with chris and i feel like everything comes out. he is my biggest secret and i'd tell him anything. i tell him everything. and for once, i feel free. i feel like i am coming out and being... normal.
i want to be smothered by him. i want to be loved so hard and so well that i'm exhausted at the end of it. and i hate the idea of being so lost in somebody else... but chris is right. you need both. need to know both. pain pain pain and then it's secret, lovely, wonderful.
